As I complete my third slowly-paced lap around the yard, I swat yet another blood-sucking mosquito from my ankles and wonder why we never installed one of those fancy mosquito misting systems. This is what I do when I’m restless, I piddle around the backyard, inspecting the flowerbeds and cursing the weeds that eternally spring up no matter how often I rip out their roots. The last of the sun drops down into the patch of sky visible through the canopy of trees in my neighbor’s yard to the west.
I love watching sunsets. It’s one of the only times that I
feel a moment’s peace in my mind. Especially these days. I don’t know whether
it’s the menopause to blame or the fact that our household is about to
drastically change with our daughter leaving for college, but I can’t find
comfort or rest in too many places.
Most of my friends are about to be empty nesters, and I’ve
been telling them for months how wonderful it will be for them to be able to focus on their own interests & hobbies, etc. After
all, I still have a 12 year old at home to keep me busy, right? But in reality,
that 12 year old is practically 13, and a paradigm shift has occurred.
He pulls away when I reach for a hug. His answer to almost all
of my questions is, “I don’t know,” and then he sprints up to his room &
shuts the door to tell his friends the most animated details of his day.
He has crossed that line to adolescence, and there is no coming
back to the sweet little boy who held my hand and wanted to cuddle on the couch.
“Mommy, don’t leave” at bedtime has been replaced by, “Mom, can you shut my
door on your way out.”
My oldest is physically leaving, and my youngest has
metaphorically left, and maybe I need hormone therapy, because I can’t stop fluctuating
between desperate tears over where the years have gone and desperate fears over
what the future holds for me, now that my role as a mom is dwindling to
something unrecognizable.
You’ll always be their mom! They’ll still need you, just in
different ways! Trust me, I’ve heard this pep talk. Heck, I’ve given this pep
talk. But now I truly understand. Midlife musings can be brutal, and this stage
of motherhood is no joke.
And maybe my emotions are getting the best of me because I no longer sleep well, either. Not even two melatonins can knock me out the way they used to. My buzzy little mind just loves to ramp up about 3:00 am every single night & remind me of all the people who’ve mistreated me, my kids, my cat, or pretty much anyone in my bloodline over the last four decades.
And
I’m constantly thinking about how that AARP card hiding in my desk drawer was
obviously a mistake because I’m in my 30s, right? Wasn’t it just Y2K??
And I miss my Dad. He’d know what to do. And I miss my
cat(s) that have died this past year. And I miss my kids when they were little
and liked me and wanted to go to the zoo with me and ride the merry-go-round
and see the lions. I miss all the questions, and the dripping popsicles, and
the toys covering my living room floor. Oh, and I miss my neck and my wrinkle-free knees.
There are many days when I love the wisdom and I don't give a flip attitude that hit me once I turned 50. I love that I truly have no one to impress
and am confident and secure in who I am. But there are also days when I feel I
don’t really know who I am anymore, when the landscape is changing so fast. When
the girl who has been the center of my world for 18 years is moving out and
leaving me behind. When the boy who used to be attached to my hip cannot get further away from it.
Where does that leave me?
“You’ll be fine!” says the script of my pep talk.
And, of course, I know I will. My head tells me so.
But some days, my heart just won't hear it.
 |
| A short decade ago... |
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